Mars Needs Guitars

The Letter

2009-07-03T17:20:00.001-04:00

It came a few weeks ago in the mail. It was surrounded by all the other mail - bills and junk. The hand writing on it was luminous and spoke of past haunts. The return address was left blank, signifying a need for no reply. I've looked at it over and over again. Trying to rationalize it in my mind. But, I just can't. And I can't get myself to do the act of opening it. There are words inside, I am sure, that will not be easy to take.

It's sitting beside me right now as I pen these words. It glows in its stark contrast to everything around it. It beckons me to tear it open and to read what is inside. But, I keep resisting, keep pushing it away from my view. I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to face what is written inside. I don't want any part of it because it scares me. I know there will be things in it that I will have to face, have to deal with. And, I don't have the strength to handle that. I don't have the desire to face the reality of what it holds inside. Yeah, it's just paper and words but it's a lot more than that to me.

So, I sit staring at it and watching it turn from white to brown. There is no way I can get myself to do it. It's better off thrown in the trash. To be forgotten forever. The words will hurt and I don't need that now. The pain that it will bring, in reading it, is way too much for me to bear. It will never be opened and probably will never be thrown away. But, it will always be there as a constant reminder of things untold, of hurt, of pain, of sorrow and of regret. A letter holding too closely to the past, to things that need to be forgotten. A letter I will never open to read.

mp3 The Letter

Black Heart Procession - The Spell

mp3 Tear Stained Letter

Johnny Cash - American IV: The Man Comes Around

mp3 Unopened Letter To The World

The Ataris - So Long, Astoria

mp3 A Letter From Home

Ulrich Schnauss - A Strangely Isolated Place

mp3 Love Letter

Mekons - I Love Mekons

mp3 Have You Forgotten

Red House Painters - Vanilla Sky (Soundtrack)

Summer Rain

2009-07-02T15:49:00.001-04:00

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During the summer, down here on the Florida East Coast, we typically get a brief rain shower in the late afternoon. I don't know all the reasons why it happens that way but it usually does. Lately, we have been getting a lot of storms, more than usual. It may be odd to say but I like these summer rain showers. There is something cleansing about these storms and the rain. And there is also something beautiful when it is mixed with thunder and lightning. I know that may sound weird to some but I love it when a good summer storm comes through. It puts me a relaxed mood, hearing the lovely patter of rain coming down. I guess it is the recluse in me, listening to the storm and just chilling out alone with my thoughts.

And after the rain comes through, everything outside seems so fresh and clean. It's mother nature's way of cleaning out the air and feeding the plants, trees and grass. It is a cycle that I welcome and feel right about. It speaks of renewal and refreshing the planet. I thank God for the rain, the storms and the regeneration that they bring to my world.

“Life is like a rainbow. You need both the sun and the rain to make its colors appear.” - Unknown

“Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain” - Unknown

“The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain.” - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

“In our lives there is bound to come some pain, surely as there are storms and falling rain; just believe that the one who holds the storms will bring the sun.” - Unknown

“I'm singing in the rain, just singing in the rain; What a wonderful feeling, I'm happy again.” - Arthur Freed

“And when it rains on your parade, look up rather than down. Without the rain, there would be no rainbow.” - G. K. Chesterton

“How often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.” - William Faulkner

mp3 Life In Rain

Remy Zero - Villa Elaine

mp3 Lord Let It Rain On Me

Spiritualized - Amazing Grace

mp3 Lazy Rain

(Smog) - Rain On Lens

mp3 English Summer Rain

Placebo - Sleeping With Ghosts

mp3 Come Another Rain Down

Brightblack Morning Light - Brightback Morning Light

mp3 After The Rain Has Fallen

Sting - Brand New Day

Make It

2009-07-01T17:17:00.000-04:00

Not one of my better posts. Not doing very well today and just trying to MAKE it through the day, one step at a time. But it isn't easy. All I can do is try and try again. Will I ever really make it? I am not sure but all I know is I can't stop trying.....

You can make it

That's what they all say

The road is littered with obstacles

The path is narrow and winding

You struggle through the maze

You struggle through the haze

There is darkness all around you

Except for that small, fading light at the end

You crawl towards it, knowing that it holds the answer

But it keeps moving further and further away from your grasp

You reach out for it, try to hold onto something

You are bloody, bruised and tired

But you can't stop now, you keep going

Keep pushing, Keep pushing

You can make it, you can make it

The goal is the light at the end

The goal is making it, in the end

You can make it, you can make it

mp3 Make It

Campfire Girls - Tell Them Hi

mp3 Make Me Shine

Echo & The Bunnymen - Flowers

mp3 Life's What You Make It

Talk Talk - The Colour Of Spring

mp3 Make Your Move

Delgados - The Great Eastern

mp3 Whatever Makes You Happy

Powderfinger - Odyssey Number Five

mp3 Not Enough To Make You Happy

54-40 - Goodbye Flatland

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Yeah, I always wanted to be one of the popular ones. Always wanted to fit into the crowd. It was something I longed for but could never achieve. Growing up I was a loner and to this day I am still a loner. I don't possess the necessary skills to fit into the popular crowd. I am not witty, not very social, don't have a lot of friends and lack the 'talents' needed to really fit into the world. I am a kind, compassionate and gentle person by nature but I lack the 'outgoing' part needed to be someone popular.

I truly envy the people out there who are in the popular crowd. The ones who always have all the wit and always say the right thing. There are a lot of cliques in this world and I have never fitted into them. It's just not me. In fact, I subconsciously do my best to avoid them. Well, not entirely. I do somewhat enjoy the social networking things like Twitter and Facebook. They allow me to at least get somewhat involved. But, the fact is they are easier to handle since I can hide behind the comfort of my computer screen. However, the sad part about these social tools is they are also filled with all kinds of cliques. And, a lot of the time I feel like I am not a part of them. That I am on the outside looking in. Spying on other peoples lives and hiding in my shell.

I don't think this popular thing is ever going to change for me. I am older now and set in my ways. So, I learn to co-exist the best that I can. I push myself to engage via things like Twitter and Facebook. And, I push myself to engage with the world itself. It's not fun being on the outside looking in but it is now a fact of my life. I just wish that one day I truly would be a part of something and recognized as being part of the crowd. It's only a wish though. One that I doubt will ever come true in my lifetime.

mp3 Popular

Nada Surf - High/Low

mp3 Hoist Up The Popular Ones

Centro-Matic - Redo The Stacks

mp3 Hanging Crowds

Finlay - The Fall Of Mary

mp3 I'm In With The Out Crowd

The Jesus & Mary Chain - Come On

mp3 The Loner

Neil Young - Decade

mp3 Inside Outside

Warlocks - Phoenix

Summer Mix - Part II

2009-06-29T15:43:00.001-04:00

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I grew up in the beautiful state of New Hampshire. My memories of growing up there are some of the best memories that I have of my life. Summer time was the best by far. Every year, after school was done, we would pack it up and head for our summer cottage on Lake Winnipesaukee. These were days filled with wonder and fun. We had a wonderful cottage, a boat and the fantastic surroundings of the White Mountains. Our days were filled with water skiing, fishing, swimming and enjoying the awesome New Hampshire summer weather. Our cottage was on the beautiful Meredith Bay, nestled among the mountains. It was spectacular scenery and a beauty to behold.

I remember many things - the day I caught my first Bass fishing, the day I slalom water skiied, hiking through the hills behind our cottage, having cookouts by the water, 4th of July with the fireworks over the lake and many, many other stellar memories. These memories of summer on the lake will always be with me until the day I die. I long to go back there and spend some time revisiting the places I enjoyed so much.

I am so thankful to my parents for providing these experiences for me during summertime. Everyday was truly a unique and fun filled time. There are a lot of beautiful places in the world but to me Lake Winnipesaukee will always be the #1 place in my heart. And summer will always be my favorite season because of this.

mp3 Endless Summer

Zwan - Mary Star Of The Sea

mp3 Someone Somewhere In The Summertime

Simple Minds - Glittering Prize

mp3 Summer Gold

Eaves - The Eaves

mp3 Rock The Lake

Radar Brothers - And The Surrounding Mountains

mp3 Sun On Water

Justin Sullivan - Navigating By The Stars

mp3 Rock My Boat (Ft. Mia Doi Todd)

Dntel - Dumb Luck

Summer Mix - Part I

2009-06-28T14:00:00.001-04:00

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Well, needless to say, summer is probably my most favorite season of the year. Down here in Florida it is hard sometimes to distinguish seasonal changes. Although, at times we do get some pretty chilly weather. But, for the most part it is usually sunny and warm. However, summer down here is downright hot and humid. I have a hard time getting out these days even though I live only a half mile from the beach. I just can't get myself out - severe agoraphobia. Plus, the fact that I've gained a lot of weight these days and don't look too appealing in a bathing suit. ;-(

I am working on a more proper full length summer mix with some new tunes included. Hopefully, I can get that done soon so I can share it with you. Stay tuned and enjoy your summer!

“Summer is the time when one sheds one's tensions with one's clothes, and the right kind of day is jeweled balm for the battered spirit. A few of those days and you can become drunk with the belief that all's right with the world.” - Ada Louise Huxtable

“Summer afternoon, summer afternoon; to me those have always been the two most beautiful words in the English language” - Henry James

“Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under the trees on a summer's day, listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time” - John Lubbock

“Warm summer sun, shine kindly here. Warm southern wind, blow softly here. Green sod above, lie light, lie light. Good night, dear Heart, Good night, good night.” - Mark Twain

mp3 Summer

The Church - Forget Yourself

mp3 Summersong

The Decemberists - The Crane Wife

mp3 Beach Party Tonight

Yo La Tengo - Summer Sun

mp3 Sun

Burning Spear - Dry & Heavy

mp3 Heat Walks Against Me

Seafood - As The Cry Flows

mp3 On Some Faraway Beach

Brian Eno - Here Come The Warm Jets

You Never Really Wanted Me There

2009-06-27T20:20:00.000-04:00

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You never really wanted me there. I tried, so hard, I wanted to be there with you. But, I just couldn't do it. And you went on your merry way, doing what you do best. You are a socialite, a debutante - someone who has a ton of friends. You are not a lonely person. I really needed you too. But, you didn't care whether I showed up or not. You had too many other distractions, too many other people to be with. There was never any concern from you about my state of affairs, my state of mind. You just skim the surface, always trying to be in the spotlight. Me, I am not that way. I am an introvert, closed into myself. I just can't be you, that is the problem. And you want me to be you. I can't be who you think I should be. And, I am too old now to change. I am not at peace with myself and I think deep down inside you knew that. And you took advantage of that to make me feel guilty and hurt.

You can have your life and all your wonderful friends. I don't want any part of it anymore. If you really cared, you would be there when I needed you the most. But, you weren't. You were off galavanting with your social circle, oblivious to me and my needs. I don't care about you anymore. I would rather be alone than to have to face another day of your false life. The time we spent together will only be a memory now. And, not a cherished memory at that. Rather, a memory I want to forget as quickly as it comes to my mind. So, take your fancy life, your circle of friends and your wants somewhere else. I don't need this shit anymore. Goodbye, you won't be missed.

mp3 Goodbye

Asobi Seksu - Citrus

mp3 Goodbye To All That

Her Next Friend - Disaster Casual

mp3 I Need To Say Goodbye

Vast - Nude

mp3 Say Goodbye

Ivy - Guestroom

mp3 Song For Saying Goodbye

Sunbear - Sunbear

mp3 She Brings Me Only Sorrow

Rubyhorse - Goodbye To All That

King Of Pop

2009-06-26T13:18:00.001-04:00

No, I am not going to flood the blogosphere with a bunch of Michael Jackson songs. However, I do feel a great loss at the death of such a superstar. I don't know what other words to write on something so tragic. Sure, MJ had way too many moments of weirdness in his life, but the fact is he was an outstanding musician. There is no doubt at all that his music will live on for generations to come. And there is no doubt that his music influenced a lot of the pop music we hear today. Rest in peace, Michael Jackson, you will be missed.

mp3 The Death Of The King

The Anniversary - Your Majesty

mp3 Big Star Baby

Mojave 3 - Puzzles Like You

mp3 Star In My Heart

Shaver - The Earth Rolls On

mp3 Your Star Will Shine

The Stone Roses - Second Coming

mp3 I Miss You

The Hours - Narcissus Road

mp3 Someone Great

LCD Soundsystem - Sound Of Silver

Weird/Strange/Funny Song Titles - Part II

2009-06-25T15:35:00.001-04:00

Well, I figured I would do another post on these wacky song titles. Don't get me wrong, the music is good, I just find that these song titles fall in the weird, strange or funny category.

Of Montreal, to me, have always been kind of weird. I like their music but they just strike me as strange. And the title to this one makes no sense at all. It's just weird...

mp3 Wraith Pinned To The Mist And Other Games

Of Montreal - The Sunlandic Twins

This one falls into the funny category. Better keep eating Chinese food I guess...

mp3 Without MSG I Am Nothing

McLusky - The Difference Between You And Me Is That I'm Not On Fire

What the hell is a Tiplet? This one makes no sense at all. Strange...

mp3 Tiplet Metal Plate

Mouse On Mars - Glam

Not only are the band name and album title odd but also the track title is definitely weird.

mp3 This Geometric Is Written Is

S Prcss - Mnml

This is a classic, great album but what the hell is a silverfuck?

mp3 Silverfuck

Smashing Pumpkins - Siamese Dream

Shouldn't this be Motel Bed In My Room?

mp3 Motel Room In My Bed

X - Under The Big Black Sun

[STREAM] Previously Unreleased Jeff Buckley Track

2009-06-24T23:41:00.001-04:00

My Sister's Keeper is a new film that will be out this Friday. And it features a fairly decent soundtrack. One of the songs on the soundtrack is a previously unreleased Jeff Buckley song called We All Fall In Love Sometimes. The song was written by Elton John and Bernie Taupin. So, it is definitely an interesting song, especially in light of the recently released Grace Around The World which features a comprehensive portrait of the late Jeff Buckley's music. You can read more about Grace Around The World here.

It has been more than a decade now since the tragic and early death of Jeff Buckley. But, thanks to devoted fans worldwide his music is cherished and critically acclaimed and rightfully so. If you don't know a lot about Jeff Buckley, you can check out these links here, here, and here. Long live Jeff Buckley's music!

Unfortunately, the mp3 was not made available for the track but you can stream it here.

And a taste of Buckley's music:

mp3 Eternal Life

Jeff Buckley - Grace

Weird/Strange/Funny Song Titles - Part I

2009-06-24T12:13:00.000-04:00

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Seeing a comment a reader left regarding a post I did a long while ago about song titles using acronyms, I thought it might be fun to do a similar/related post about songs with weird, strange, or funny titles. I'm at full max storage space on my harddrives and have a ton of songs to pick from. And I decided to call this Part I because there are plenty to choose from and couldn't possibly get them all up in one shot.

It does make you wonder sometimes where these song titles come from. Sure, I guess, they are related to what the song is about but some of them are just strange. As you know, I love doing theme related posts so this seemed like a likely candidate that I have not done before. To me these are strange, weird, or funny song titles but maybe you may not agree? So, as usual, let me know in the comments section and also tell me ones that you may know about.

The Fall by far have some of the strangest song titles I've run across. I tried looking up this word in the dictionary but it doesn't exist. What the hell is Boxoctosis?

mp3 Boxoctosis

The Fall - The Real New Fall LP (Formerly "Country On The Click")

I don't know is this in a different language? Definitely falls into the strange category.

mp3 Erehwonmorferaew

Dance Disaster Movement - We Are From Nowhere

Who else but the Beastie Boys would come up with a song title like this. Pretty funny!

mp3 Hey Fuck You

The Beastie Boys - To The 5 Boroughs

Stereolab is another one that I've noticed have some strange song titles. What the hell is a Lo Boob Oscillator?

mp3 Lo Boob Oscillator

Stereolab - High Fidelity

This one is just weird. But it is a decent tune nonetheless.

mp3 When Mama Was Moth

Cocteau Twins - Head Over Heels

This one just strikes me as funny. I kind of like the idea of a golden ass though. ;-)

mp3 Your Golden Ass

Califone - Quicksand/Cradlesnakes

[New MP3] The Films - Holiday

2009-06-23T23:14:00.000-04:00

Everyone wants a holiday, once in awhile, don't they? I know I could use one right about now. And as Michael Trent of The Films sings - "don't want to make a scene, just looking for a dirty way to get clean" - it's all about getting away from it all and cleansing one's self of the worries of the world. Holiday is a quirky little ditty, fresh with a nice sing-a-long chorus. It will stick in your head quite sweetly indeed.

The Films latest Oh, Scorpio promises to deliver "timeless songs that impresses by many measures". Check it out, I think you will like what you hear!

mp3 Holiday

The Films - Oh, Scorpio

The Films on MySpace

Shoegaze Classics - Revisited

2009-06-23T12:52:00.000-04:00

Well, before I get all ahead of myself in posting up some new Shoegaze sounds, we need to revisit some of the classic sounds of the genre. Here is some background on the genre:

There are many descriptions these days for the music genre called Shoegaze. As the story goes "The name was coined by the New Musical Express, noting the tendency of the bands' guitarists to stare at their feet (or their effects pedals), seemingly deep in concentration, while playing. Some fans will argue another story, that shoegazing music was originally made with the intention of being listened to while taking heroin,[citation needed] and that the name refers to a passage from the book Naked Lunch. Melody Maker preferred the more staid term The Scene That Celebrates Itself, referring to the habit which the bands had of attending gigs of other shoegazing bands, often in Camden. The key record labels associated with the genre were Creation Records (My Bloody Valentine, Ride, Slowdive) and 4AD". Read the Wiki page for more information about Shoegazing here.

A more common attribute of Shoegaze is a sound full of winding, interweaving distorted guitars (usually two) creating a unique droning sound (distortion is good when done right). Shoegaze vocals by definition are usually 'subdued' gently hovering over the drone. There is melody intact but at times requires a thorough listen to follow its purpose.

For me Shoegaze is an introspective dreamy music, a background soundscape to life. There is a certain calming effect I achieve when listening to Shoegaze - droning guitars are my friend. The element of female vocals in early Shoegaze is an attribute that I really love - ref. Lush, MBV etc..

So, if you aren't very familiar with this genre of music, then these tracks will give you a good exposure to the 'roots' of Shoegazing. These bands represent the cornerstone of the genre and are references for all the new bands today who are incorporating the Shoegaze sound in their music. This is not by any stretch a comprehensive exposure to the genre since there are many other bands that fall into the Shoegaze masters category. But, it is a decent bite of what the genre represents. Enjoy!

mp3 Alison

Slowdive - Souvlaki

mp3 Blue

The Verve - A Storm In Heaven

mp3 Black Metallic

Catherine Wheel - Ferment

mp3 Feed Me With Your Kiss

My Bloody Valentine - Isn't Anything

mp3 Duel

Swervedriver - Mezcal Head

mp3 For Love

Lush - Spooky

mp3 Leave Them All Behind

Ride - Going Blank Again

mp3 Mesmerise

Chapterhouse - Mesmerise

mp3 Lazarus

The Boo Radleys - Kris Needs Remix

Mental Block

2009-06-22T12:03:00.000-04:00

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Dearest Readers,

I am suffering from a mental block these days. There sitting beside me is a stack of CD's - all new music. But for some strange reason, I can't get myself engaged with them to write about them. Part of the problem is I am still playing catch-up from the period that this blog was dormant (half of '07 and all of '08). There are so many excellent albums that I missed during that time period and quite frankly I don't know where to start. Do I just ignore what I missed during that year and a half? It's not an easy problem to solve. The other fact is I have so many problems these days and it helps to write about them. It is sort of a mental catharsis, so to speak. So, my brain gets scattered in a sense and I form a mental block on what to write and post about.

However, after much thought (and I know I've said this before), there will be some changes (hopefully for the good) around here soon. I am going to start posting some new album reviews, some new Shoegaze sounds (FINALLY), and some new music mixes. Ah, all I ask from you is to please bear with me in my quest to get my head straightened out and release this mental block. Please stay tuned in, loyal readers. I will be posting more frequently during the day and will be bringing fresh content to these blog pages. So, don't despair or lose faith in me - I will come through. Stay with me please, I'll be back to my old self in short order. Thanks for tuning in and bearing with me!

mp3 Block

The Church - Uninvited, Like The Clouds

mp3 Up Against The Wall

Peter Bjorn And John - Writer's Block

mp3 Half Block From A Dream

Evan Duby - Bridge & Tunnel EP

mp3 Break It Down Again

Tears For Fears - Elemental

mp3 A Change Is Gonna Come

Swervedriver - Mezcal Head

mp3 Things Are Gonna Change (The Morning After)

Ray Davies - Other People's Lives

Father's Day - Post #500

2009-06-21T12:27:00.000-04:00

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Well, it turns out that today is Father's Day and this is post #500! Not too shabby for missing a year and a half of blogging...

My father was a hard working, quiet/reserved man. He was an Electrical Engineer by trade and was very successful in his career. To be honest, growing up I did not see a lot of my father. He worked hard during the week to provide for his family of four children and our time with him was delegated to evenings and weekends. But, he was a good man who cared deeply for his family and did his best to ensure that we had a good life.

I didn't really get to know my Father until I was seventeen years old. He took a new job in Florida which required a relocation from New Hampshire. Since, I was the youngest of the four siblings, I went with him to finish my last year of High School in Florida. It was just me and Dad for about six months. He dug into his new job and I dug into finishing my last year of high school. And, the rest of the time we spent together. I learned a lot from my Father during that six months and will never forget the good times we had together. Our relationship grew through the subsequent years and during that time I learned a lot about life from him. He was a strong man - quite, patient, self reserved and very humble. And he stood by my side during those turbulent teenage years. I am so thankful that I got that time to really know my Father.

Besides having a good career in Engineering, my Father was a WWII veteran and was part of D-Day. Physically, he suffered from a serious heart condition most of his adult life. He had, over the years, a couple heart attacks that severely limited his health and well being. But he persevered through these health problems as best as he could. He was a strong man and did his best in spite of his illness.

On September 15, 1986 my Father had a major heart attack and died. He was 65 years old. I was in Orlando at the time finishing my third year of college when he passed. I spoke to him that morning before he passed and he said "I Love You" during our phone conversation. Saying those three words to me was the last memory I have of my Father. And I thank God that he said those words to me, something he didn't always do. I Love You too Dad, you will always hold a special place in my heart and I miss you very much. Happy Father's Day to a wonderful man!

mp3 Father's Day

Area - White Canvas New Hope

mp3 Father

Annuals - Be He Me

mp3 Father To Son

The Alarm - Strength

mp3 My Father

This Mortal Coil - Filigree & Shadow

mp3 Song For My Father

Brett Anderson - Brett Anderson

mp3 Voice Of The Father

Gene - Drawn To The Deep End

Many Miles Of Infinite Hard Road

2009-06-20T13:25:00.000-04:00

Many Miles of infinite hard road ahead of me. The road is full of obstacles and potholes. Don't know if I can navigate through it. The forest reaches out on both sides. But I can't see through the trees. I'm locked in, tied down, the only way to go is forward. I feel blocked and trapped. Everything closes in on me, I can only see the yellow line on the road now. And it seems to stretch to infinity. There is no end to it at all. I am a finite entity on a road that is infinite. The end goal is nowhere in sight. I tremble and shake from the fear of it all. I am blinded to the obstacles and potholes. I can't avoid them, I try, but I just can't. I will never make it now. I have slowed way down but the road appears to be moving in front of me faster and faster. Everything is a blur now. I'm holding on for dear life. I need something but don't know what it is. I am completely alone on this infinite road. Moving inch by inch, while everything else moves at lightning speed. Don't know if I can make it. Don't know if it is real or not. No one around me, nothing to see. Just many miles of infinite hard road ahead of me...

mp3 So Many Miles

Viva Voce - Get Yr Blood Sucked Out

mp3 Miles And Miles

Folksongs For The Afterlife - Put Danger Back In Your Life

mp3 Steps Into Miles

Hayden - Skyscraper National Park

mp3 A Million Miles Away

The Plimsouls - Everywhere At Once

mp3 Miles End

Gomez - In Our Gun

mp3 Miles Away

The Sleepy Jackson - Personality

Emotions - Guilt

2009-06-16T12:22:00.000-04:00

I have all kinds of emotions these days, so many I can't even count them all. You could say, my life is an emotional mess. Out of all these emotions, I think that guilt is the strongest one. It's like guilt is the spark that starts the fire of all the other emotions I feel. I would list all the things that I feel guilty about but I won't because it would be a great long list.

They say guilt is a useless emotion. But, I tend to disagree with that. I think guilt has a proper place to play in our lives. It is a reminder of things that one has done wrong and should not repeat again. It helps one not to make the same mistake over again. However, my opinion on guilt is not in line with what most psychologists say about the subject.

I don't think I will ever get rid of my guilty feelings. I think that they will stay with me for however long I live. And, I need to accept that and be comfortable with it. Without these guilty feelings, I would not be able to examine my faults and mistakes. I would not know wrong from right. Sure, at times, there is "false" guilt but the majority of the time it is "true" guilt. And like all emotions, it has a proper role to play in your life. For now, I will learn to embrace this emotion, learn from it and use it to help me move on to better things.

Emotions are a tricky bit and guilt is by far the most difficult one to understand. It is tied into our memories, our past, and our everyday existence. A person without guilt is a person without a soul, a person who doesn't care. When I find myself feeling guilty about something, I immediately know that I have done something wrong. This emotion keeps me vigilant and aware of the consequences of my actions. Without it I would not feel things, I would just be an empty person. Guilt is here to stay and I welcome it with open arms.

mp3 Guilt

Chapterhouse - Whirlpool

mp3 Comfort/Guilt

Early Day Miners - All Harm Ends Here

mp3 Guilt Is A Useless Emotion (Mac Quayle Vocal Mix)

New Order - Waiting For The Sirens' Call

mp3 Guiltiness

Bob Marley & The Wailers - Exodus

mp3 No Emotion (Cucumber Mix)

Idlewild - No Emotion - EP

mp3 Show Me Some Emotion

Hoodoo Gurus - Mars Needs Guitars!

Control

2009-06-15T12:32:00.002-04:00

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I think a lot. Maybe too much. But that is just how my mind is geared. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about this thing called control. Basically, it seems to me, that my whole life is just out of control. Or another way of putting it is - I have no control over things in my life. Sure, people say, worry about the things you can control and don't worry about the things you can't control. Yeah, that would be nice but I can't seem to adopt that philosophy. And, the fact is it seems that the majority of things happening in my life, I have no control over them. I can't control what my ex-wife does and how she is raising my two children. I can't control what others think about me. I can't control my illness rather it controls me. I can't control most things really. And maybe that is part of why I am so despondent and depressed these days. No control equals worry, fear, anxiety, and depression.

I took my car to the shop this morning because I needed an oil change. I thought I was going to get out of there with just a twenty dollar bill. But, I was told that my transmission was leaking. Now we are talking about a few hundred dollars instead of just twenty. And that is just another example of control. I have to trust that the shop is being honest with me and they are the ones who control the situation. Not me. There are multitudes of examples like this, in my life, that demonstrate my lack of control. It's a never ending cycle and I obsess over these things that I cannot affect or change.

However, there is one thing I do have control over and that is my blog. Thank God for that. That is why I like blogging so much. Because I can control what I write, what music I post, the design of the blog etc.. I just wish I had more stability in my life. I wish it wasn't all messed up. And I wish that I had control over the big things in my life that determine who and what I am. The fact is I don't (and probably never will) have control over these things. So, I must learn to put these things away, don't worry about them and concentrate on the things I can affect. This is not an easy lesson to learn. And it will take a lot of effort and willpower. But, I have no choice in the matter. The outcome is clear and so are the consequences.

mp3 Out Of Control

Super Furry Animals - Phantom Power

mp3 Never Had Control

Mur - Mur

mp3 Lose Control

Ash - 1977

mp3 Take Control

Weezer - Maladroit

mp3 Little Argument With Myself

Low - Trust

mp3 Change My Life

Spoon - Love Ways (EP)

Social Networking Ramblings

2009-06-14T16:55:00.000-04:00

I know I've written a little about this before but indulge me here again. I have just lately become immersed in this whole social networking thing. I'm on MySpace here, last.fm here, Twitter here, Facebook here, StumbleUpon here, Digg here, and Delicious here. Wow, that is insane. I really don't know if I will be able to keep up with all of these tools. I wish there was just one central social networking site that incorporated the best features from all of these sites. Facebook is probably the one that comes close to doing that. These tools are excellent though. They really do enable the user to connect with others via the internet. And then of course there is this blog which is also another social networking tool in its own way. It is definitely going to be a challenge to keep up with all these tools but I am going to give it my best.

So, if you haven't already, then now is the time to join up with these tools. Get connected! You can find me anywhere just by searching for merzmars. That is the main userid I use. Stumble me, Digg me, Delicious me, ah just do me ;-). So, won't you please join me in some social networking fun? I look forward to meeting you here, there and everywhere!

mp3 Not That Social

The Von Bondies - Pawn Shoppe Heart

mp3 Heartbreak For Socialites

Slow Jets - Good Morning, Stars

mp3 Following Through

Dismemberment Plan - Change

mp3 Crashing The Same Scene

The Departure - Be My Enemy

mp3 Get On It

The Charlatans UK - Tellin' Stories

Random Dreams?

2009-06-13T15:20:00.000-04:00

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Maybe it's my state of mind these days, I really don't know. I sleep a lot and I have been having some real weird dreams. They are filled with people and places that I am not familiar with. It's like I am dreaming another life, if you know what I mean. And they are filled with strange situations and odd happenings. The other night I even had a dream where I was flying - now what the hell does that mean? For the most part, I can remember most of them pretty well but some of them I can only recall vague images. I think I might start writing them down in a journal so I don't forget them.

All I know is my mind is extremely locked up and confused these days. I am sure that these dreams are related to my depression and anxieties. I think it is my mind working out all the problems I have. They have got to have some significance and meaning. I can't believe that they are just random dreams. That's why a dream journal would be a good thing to do. And who knows, maybe I can get someone to interpret them for me. It might help reveal the subconscious things that are behind all my problems.

The mind is an incredible organ in our body and is so complex. Even today, with the advances in the medical field, the mind is still not fully understood. Hopefully, one day it will be. For now, all I can do is hope that I will get on the right meds to help me win the battle with my depression and anxiety. And, there is always the possibility of having ECT. But for now, I want to stick with the meds side of things. And who knows, maybe interpreting my dreams will give me better insight into the things that are haunting me.

mp3 Dave's Dream

The Czars - Before...But Longer

mp3 The Dream

The Cure - Japanese Whispers

mp3 Trouble With Dreams

Eels - Blinking Lights And Other Revelations

mp3 Bad Dreams

Bellvue - To Be Somebody

mp3 Dream

Doug Martsch - Doug Martsch

mp3 Dream Bliss

Tearwave - Tearwave

It's Not Easy

2009-06-12T12:44:00.000-04:00

It's not easy, living this life

It's not easy, living in isolation

It's not easy, having no one to hold at night

It's not easy, fighting the despair and strife

It's not easy, watching the world spin by you

It's not easy, being disabled with no job

It's not easy, seeing all the hurt in the world

It's not easy, wanting but not getting something new

It's not easy, feeling the way I do

It's not easy, waking up to face the day

It's not easy, having no real life

It's not easy, fighting the demons that haunt my way

It's not easy, writing these words

It's not easy, it's just not easy

mp3 Easy

The Church - Uninvited, Like The Clouds

mp3 It Could Be Easy

House Of Fools - Live And Learn

mp3 My Life Ain't Easy

The Plimsouls - Everywhere At Once

mp3 Nothing Comes Easy

Dub Syndicate - No Bed Of Roses

mp3 Something Easy

New Wet Kojak - This Is The Glamourous

mp3 Easy Way Out

Elliott Smith - Figure 8

The Speed Of It All

2009-06-11T11:35:00.000-04:00

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I don't know, maybe it's just me but it seems to me that things move at such a rapid speed these days that I can't keep up. Everything is instant and moves so quickly. The days fly by in a blur and it just astounds me how time passes so quickly. I can't believe it is summer already for God's sake.

And we have everything available, ready at our fingertips. The social networking tools we have are just incredible. There's MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, email and tools like StumbleUpon and Digg. And BTW, I am subscribed to all of these now. I will put up links on the site soon so that you can connect to me on these various social networking tools. It's funny though, because I find myself getting lost in these tools and spending a lot of time with them. They are fun to use and it is easy to get sidetracked by them. But, the fact is they keep me connected with the world and my cyber friends.

I remember the days when we didn't have computers or internet social networking. And the funny thing about that is we still communicated somehow. Things got done but maybe at a slower pace than now. Things like writing letters are a part of the past now. Why write a letter when you can email someone or network with them using any of these new tools? The problem is, it seems to me, that we have lost that one on one, face to face contact. Instead, we can hide behind the wall of the computer and communicate all day long.

I guess part of me wants things to just slow down a little bit, pull back on the speed of things. But, quite frankly, I would be lost without having these tools available to me. The fact is I need to get out more, maybe I spend too much time behind the computer? I don't know - it is comforting to me having a hobby like blogging to keep my mind off myself. So, there, I am torn between the old and the new. Confused as always - ;-).

I just wish things would slow down a little bit, throttle the speed back some. I am always playing catch-up with emails and am very bad at responding to some of them. I guess I need to partition my time better between all these tools, so I can manage them better. Maybe then I can better cope with the speed of it all....

mp3 High Speed

Coldplay - Parachutes

mp3 Keep Up The Speed

Sahara Hotnights - Jennie Bomb

mp3 Meditations On Speed

Lilys - Precollection

mp3 The Speed Of Dreams

Cobra Verde - Easy Listening

mp3 Speed Of Life

David Bowie - Low

mp3 Speed Of Light

The Cult - Beyond Good And Evil

Free

2009-06-10T13:01:00.000-04:00

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I want to be free

Free from these chains of life

Free from the bondage that surrounds me

Free from anxiety, fear and depression

Free to live my life in peace

Free from the worries of the world

Free from all that is bad

Free to enjoy all that is good

Free to see things as they really are

Free to experience true love

Free to experience happiness and joy

Free to be me

Yes, I want to be FREE

mp3 Free

Cat Power - You Are Free

mp3 Finally Free

Clearlake - Amber

mp3 Find Our Way To Freedom

The Dears - Gang Of Losers

mp3 Free Until They Cut Me Down

Iron & Wine - Our Endless Numbered Days

mp3 Only Love Can Set You Free

American Music Club - Love Songs For Patriots

mp3 Live Free

Son Volt - Trace

Struggle/Battle/Survival

2009-06-09T11:30:00.000-04:00

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Battle worn and tired

Struggle to make it through each day

Fighting the demons that engulf my presence

Wondering when it will all come to an end

Sleep the day away to hide from the anxiety and depression

Struggle to see my way clear

Battle the thoughts that plague my mind

Looking contantly for that light of hope

But all I see is darkness

The light is not there

There has to be a way out of all of this

But I can't see it or feel it

So, I continue on battling the demons

Battling the thoughts

Just trying to survive another day

mp3 Battleworn

Dappled Cities - Granddance

mp3 Running Battle

Kasabian - Kasabian

mp3 Struggle

Wall Of Voodoo - The Index Masters

mp3 I Will Survive

Art Brut - It's A Bit Complicated

mp3 Survivalism

Nine Inch Nails - Year Zero

mp3 Living Dead

Singapore Sling - Life Is Killing My Rock 'n' Roll

I'm Still Trying To Stand Upright

2009-06-06T15:12:00.001-04:00

Dear Readers,

I've been out of touch for a little while due to the fact that I was in the hospital for two weeks. It's not easy to talk about since it wasn't my own decision. Things just spiraled out of control and that's where I ended up. Sharing a hospital room with a bipolar, schizophrenic who talked all night to the voices in his head and a crack addict going through withdrawal; was not the most pleasant of experiences. It was a horrible place and really did me no good. In fact, I think it has set me back some. But I'm here, trying to stand upright and make it through each and every day as best as I can. Thanks to all who left comments, emailed me, or called me - I'm sorry if I didn't answer. It hasn't been easy and besides the horrible depression and anxiety, I am still recovering from that nasty hospital stay.

So, please stay tuned. Normal programming will commence from here on forward.

mp3 Fear Of Standing Upright

The Hourly Radio - History Will Never Hold Me

mp3 Patiently Standing

Centro-Matic - Distance And Clime

mp3 Hospital

Earlimart - Everyone Down Here

mp3 Heading For A Breakdown

The Soundtrack Of Our Lives - Origin Vol. 1

mp3 After The Fall

The Brian Jonestown Massacre - Spacegirl And Other Favorites